Still Have My Heart
by soundsobeautiful
Summary: Eli realized just exactly what he's lost. Eli and Clare oneshot


_Do it Eli… you know you want to. Just do it, it won't be that hard… _I heard the words quietly in the back of my head as I stared down at the small piece of paper. I let my fingers trail softly over the number buttons, contemplating on whether or not the endeavor in my mind was worth while. I stared at the name and number on the small paper, trying to talk myself into it. It was a name I hadn't thought of in a long time, but in the back of my mind I knew that the thought of her had never left. Every now and then my brain would wander to the vision of those beautiful blue eyes, the very ones I had fallen in love with the moment I saw them. How could I have let my chance slip by? There was no doubt in my mind that my life was meant to go down that path, but I'd ruined that many years ago.

My heart raced as I began to dial the numbers, one by one in slow motion. I knew that I had to call her, but my mind didn't want to allow me. When eventually I'd finally dialed the numbers, I pressed send and listened to the dial tone. It rang three times and just as I heard it being picked up, I pressed end as fast as I could. God, I was such an idiot. What was I doing? She'd moved on years ago, and now I was just opening a wound that had already been sowed shut. But even as I sat there for the minutes on end, I couldn't talk myself out of it. And with a few deep breaths, I finally talked myself into it, and this time… I didn't hang up.

"Hello?" Her voice rang brilliantly on the other end and my throat felt as if it was going to shut. I swallowed a few times and then finally found the will to speak.

"Hey Clare."

There was a pause from the other line and I knew immediately this was a dumb idea.

"Uhm hi," She began and I could hear the confusion in her tone, "May I ask who this is?"

I paused this time, fighting the wanting urge to punch the wall beside me. My heart sped to a thousand miles an hour. How after all of these years could her voice even affect me like this? I felt like my heart would pound it's way out of my chest any moment.

"It's Eli… Eli Goldsworthy."

"Oh…" was all she responded and I could feel my thumb run over the end button, just wanting more than anything to end the call and go on like this moment had never happened.

"Eli. Eli!"

It pleased me when I heard the sound of realization in her voice and my nerves settled. She remembered me. She hadn't forgotten who I was and that meant that deep down, I was still a part of her life.

"Yeah, long time no talk." I chuckled, trying to hide the excitement in my voice. She had no idea the affect she was having on me at this moment.

"Oh my Gosh, how have you been? I can't even remember the last time we spoke…"

That hurt, because I remembered everything about it. It was after graduation, she was leaving and her parents thought it would be best if her and I didn't keep contact. They felt like I was going to jeopardize her future. But I wouldn't have. I would have been a part of her future and the best part of it if anything. For months we kept in secret contact, but after a while, the calls and emails stopped coming, and I was forced to go my own way and make a life for myself without her, as much as it hurt me.

"I've been alright." I said, ignoring the latter part of her sentence, "Just getting by day to day… and you?"

Of course I wanted to know more than anything how she'd been. Who she'd become and what her life had become."I'm fantastic… I've finished school with my degree in literature and now I'm working on my first novel."

I smirked, of course she was. Clare had always had a passion for writing, "That's awesome Clare, I'm so happy for you."

"What?" She spoke to someone other than me on her end of the line, "Oh hold on Eli… I've got to make sure the kids are in bed."

"Kids?" I asked as she left and I felt the lump in my throat grow as I waited for what seemed like eternity for her to come back.

"Sorry about that. I've got two boys who think they don't have to follow any rules and a little girl who's afraid of the dark. Bedtime is a handful."

I didn't say anything of course. I was too shocked by what I'd learned to have any words come to mind. I don't know what I expected to find out when I called her. I guess some small part of me hoped she'd been waiting for me, that she'd ask me to come and sweep her off her feet. But I knew deep inside that she wouldn't and that she'd have a family and be completely happy. It was just a shock to hear it actually come from her mouth.

"Wow kids… Clare that's.. wow."

"Yep." She said and another awkward silence fell over us.

"What about you?" She asked, breaking the long silence, "Have you found that special someone?"

I laughed at the thought and shook my head, "No. There's been a few girls. I was even engaged at one point… but nothing ever worked."

"I'm sorry to hear that… I'm sure you'll find that special someone sometime."

Was she serious? I'd already found my special someone. She was that special someone and now that we couldn't be together, I was sure I'd never find anyone who could take her place. I didn't want anyone else to take her place. Clare had made me feel better in my life than I'd ever felt. Since we'd fallen apart, I'd never truly felt as happy as I'd felt with her.

"What ever happened to us Clare?" I asked, finally finding the courage to spit it out, "How did we grow apart?"

"I waited for you Eli. Everyday of my life I waited to see you pull up in your hearse to be with me. I'd look out my window everyday hoping that I'd see it parked out there, but I never did. After awhile I just gave up. And I fell in love."

"..with someone else."

"He's a good guy Eli, I think you'd like him."

"I'm sure." I said, but I let a chuckle slip so she wouldn't be able to tell how awful I actually felt inside.

"I'm glad you called. We never really got closer, this is good."

"Yeah, closer." Something I didn't exactly want. But I guess I'd have to live with it."We should go out for coffee sometime. I'd love to get together and be able to catch up."

I nodded though I knew she couldn't see me, "Yeah, that'd probably be a good idea. A little more public embarrassment would probably do you some good."

I heard her sigh on the other end and we sat in more silence. But it wasn't awkward this time. It was the sort of silence you embraced. I was alright just knowing she was on the other end of the line, there to talk to whenever I wanted to.

"I've missed you Eli. Life hasn't been the same without you."

"I've missed you too Clare," I told her, "I've missed you too.


End file.
